my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
