I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
