I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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