Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
