Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I need moral support for this bender
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
