I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
