I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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