i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
