i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
