Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My day in three words: secret purse cake
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
