So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
