you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
