I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We have started to decorate penises.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
