I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just googled if crying burns calories
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
