M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Enjoy the penises
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
