he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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