I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
