Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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