sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
