worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
