I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
