She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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