Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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