Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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