yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
