guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
