So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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