there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
