Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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