There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
