Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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