Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
should my penis look like a turkey
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
