How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
