dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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