I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
