just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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