she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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