don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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