WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
