The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
BRING THE BAGELS
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
