What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My life is pants optional.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
