dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
