fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
