You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
