Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
