So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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