my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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