I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
