I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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