$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
