That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
