I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
